I’m So Sorry

I wrote a song recently as a result of something I read that broke me open.
It was the tragic real life tale of a man who lost his wife and her unborn baby, their new born baby and their two other young children, in a car accident when a young man carelessly jumped a red light. The tragedy unfolded as each of them died, one after the other.
The man, who wasn’t in the car, was left alone. Everything gone, everyone gone.
That is as much as I read. I didn’t need the details. It wasn’t about the details. I know he got a huge outpouring of love and I pray that he is able to recover in some way and live a life.

But I was utterly shocked by how shocked he must have been. I simply couldn’t imagine how he felt, or the chasm that must have opened up and swallowed him. It broke my heart open for him, and for all who suffer such tragedy. And then I really saw how true loving almost inevitably comes with great pain. When you truly love, at some point comes the letting go, it is inevitable.

But that is no reason not to love. Love, human or divine, is our greatest blessing and the greatest blessing we can offer the world.

So I wrote a song for him. Here are the lyrics. It is called I’m So Sorry.
I haven’t released the song yet, I am still working on it. When I do I may post it here.

I’m living like a river
Swimming like a stone
Trying to make it homeward
But I’m feeling so alone
My heart is like a whirpool
It’s taking everything
I don’t know what Im doing
I don’t think I can swim

I’m so sorry
It has to be this way

I find it hard to breathe here
Sometimes I think I’ll die
So I reach up to the heavens
And pretend that I can fly
But all I get is falling
Like someone clipped my wings
Down here I’m an angel
Down here the siren sings

I’m so sorry
It has to be this way

It feels like you’re inside me
Your living in my skin
And love is like the ocean
When you let it in
You’ve got to let it drown you
And take your breathe away
And when I heard your story
It made me want to pray

Im so sorry
It has to be this way

Dont you worry
No more

the pull to grace

we are born to innocence
and we fall from that grace
we become someone
with a name and a story
and we carry the wounds
and the pain
of our fall

and for many
that is it
for life
just the story
of the fall from grace

but for some
there is a pull
to find that grace again

what beauty that is!
in this gross world
to remember, even as a
delicate fragrance on the wind,
the grace of innocence,
and to begin a search for it.

that search IS the grace
that search IS the innocence
searching for itself

for it was never really lost
only hiding
until it can return to the light

i hope you understand

the heart hides in secret hope

The heart,
Under great duress and strain,
Grows hard and protected
It’s easy to withdraw
From the world
And build a wall
And try and hide behind it

But secretly and quietly
Every hard heart
And every wounded soul that hides
Yearns for tenderness
And love
Yearns for the innocence
It once knew

Even the hardest
And toughest,
Somewhere, deep inside,
Longs for union with love

Because everything
Is trying to get home,
And there is only one home.

on your knees

the strongest people
i have met
are the ones who have been broken
the ones who found
power and strength
through humility
but there are those, sadly,
who have been defeated
by life
the ones who
cannot find
grace and humility
they feel brokenness as
some kind of loss

this is all a sign
that if you try to hang on
to your story
of how it should be
in the face of life’s great movement
you will never be free or happy

life will bring you to your knees
that is its great and challenging
beauty
the warrior’s task is to find
the power and grace
while, or she,
is down there.

my advice is:

don’t get up
but instead, live from a powerful humility
that sees beyond
all the stories of upholding
who anyone is.

breathing under water

is it possible
to meet life fully
and let the ocean
drown you
until you learn to breathe
under water?

or must we all
try and fight back
the waves
as they crash
upon us?

oh! the endless
pushing back
against the world
makes you so weary

you cannot stop the water
so i say

let it in
let it all in
surrender yourself completely
let it break your heart wide open
until there is nothing left
to protect
and there you will find
the freedom
you seek

there are only two choices
breakdown or breakthrough.

life appears inside you

you do not have a life

life is appearing inside you

this one radical shift

in perspective

when fully realized

will change everything

if you shift your gaze

from the localized eye

and zoom out

as if behind your head

and, through slightly blurred gaze,

take in the whole scene

as though it were appearing

inside you

you would begin to get

this whole paradox

of being in the world

and the world

being in you.

so what is real?

the cost of loving

to love someone fully
means to open to them
so that nothing remains
and in that opening
is the great cost

the cost of loving
is that
when one of you dies
the pain of separation
and loneliness
will be an agony
only matched
by the loss of a child

but the rewards of loving
in such a way
are worth the pain
the intimacy and surrender into love
is an exquisite fire
that burns up all hope
of salvation

therein lies its great paradox

From Being Everywhere To Being Somewhere

Some folks seem to love this life
They relish in the formness of it all
And gather things, and experiences
Like they belong here

Oh! how they like to play

While others, they don’t get along so well
There are some who don’t seem to get on well
At all
In fact they don’t take to being
In form one bit

Not everyone is the same

You see, being consciousness
And finding yourself
In form, even with its sensory delights,
Is not easy
From being everywhere
To suddenly being somewhere
Is tough

And many folks want to fly free
Beyond all this
I can understand that desire

I say liberate now while you wear this coat
Step out of the game
And off the wheel

Only the vastness of spiritual awakening
Can put an end to this endless cycle.

 

 

turning, turning, turning

everything is turning
on the same wheel
an eternal turning
of such beauty
it cannot be seen
or thought of

if you were to lie back
on a clear night
and watch the heavens
you might catch a glimpse

but that view would suggest
that somehow
you are watching it
and not in it

no…

everything, all things
inside and outside
known and unknown
are turning, turning, turning
with a majesty
that makes me cry with
such an awe
i am rendered utterly speechless

to see this wonder for even a moment would render this life complete.

Photo by Nathan Anderson on Unsplash