Surfing the Absolute and the Relative

My wife discusses the paradox of awakening.
‘Surfing the Absolute and the Relative.’

AMODA'S BLOG

There’s a fine line in surfing the absolute and the relative.

To be fully awake is to have fallen into the existential abyss of being in which all constructs that uphold the notion, perception and identity with a “separate self” are demolished, absolutely. This is the end of the story of “me” as you have known it, and the beginning of something very new. It’s a death and a rebirth. It’s the end of all inner division and the start of knowing yourself as inseparable from all that is (and this includes absolutely everything, however it appears, dark or light, blissful or painful). Now you move from wholeness and you are moved by wholeness. Personal will has been given to divine will and there is no more “me” fighting or arguing with the innate intelligence of Life.

To be fully human is to fully accept that your body-mind vehicle…

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let your heart break open

tear down the walls
of your heart
and be done with all this
defending and attacking
this protection
has done nothing
but keep you hidden from life
it was a trick you learned
but it didn’t work

you thought you could
protect yourself from pain
but it just killed you
and numbed you
and now you are here
terrified of your own shadow.

tear down the walls of your heart
and let the world in
let it flood the dry barren land
if it kills you
so what!
better to die of the truth
than live in the lie

but it won’t kill you
it will resurrect you
and bring you back
and give you wings
so you can fly.

if you ever give up

if you ever give up on all this
or become so weary
of the endless struggle of life
im not going to say
‘come on its not that bad’
or try and get you on your feet
and get you back to the battle field

no.

i will sit quietly beside you
and maybe your head
will rest gently on my shoulder
and we will simply sit
in the silence of quiet acceptance

i will not try and fix you
because there is nothing wrong
and nothing to fix
nothing is broken
and in need of repair

you do not need that
all you really need
is the space to be
and in that acceptance
everything is as it is
and nature itself
does whatever it must do

and you are that.

those who deny love are fools

if i bore you
because i speak of little but love
i am sorry
but let me explain

after my years of walking this life
i have concluded that nothing else matters
as much as love

for most of those years
i was denied access to love
cut off from my own heart
and ruled by pain

and then something changed
and gradually,
brick by brick,
the walls of protection
came down

and i allowed
everything to rush in
and i never built a wall again

but when i hear people
saying that love is weak
or an easy option
or that it changes nothing

i am reminded of how tough it was
to open to the ocean
and willingly drown

those who deny love are fools
and cowards
they do not know
that love rules everything
and to keep it shut out
your whole life
is to live a life
in the shadows
denying the light exists.

dark clouds

there are days
when dark clouds
of despondency
hang overhead
all day they just hang there
taunting me
with their heaviness
threatening rain

all i can really do
is accept them

fighting causes such pain

why should i be cheerful?
what is this expectation
that life is a smile and a laugh?

life is a hard journey
and a cruel test.
when the vast ocean
finds itself
in a tiny jar
it doesn’t complain
but it hurts
to be captured in something so small

why did i come here with no wings?
just these legs
that stick me to the ground

at times
nothingness seems appealing
and then i get yanked back
into the beauty
of all this
and i forget
this despondency

meeting with death

i should like, if possible,
to meet my death consciously
in awareness and presence
i want to be there fully
and to gaze into the eyes
of its totality
to say a loving farewell
to all this
that i have grown so used to
and even, at times, thought
would last forever
i would like to feel
the absolute inevitability
of it all
and draw my final breath
knowingly
as i pass across the threshold
and let go into the unknown
as yet i simply cannot imagine
what those moments must be like.

two terrors

i must reluctantly confess
i have two terrors between which
i swing like a pendulum
the terror of existence
and the terror
of non-existence

i am a man
trapped
and yet knowing
the trap is of
his own making

this is existential agony
and the only answer
is to stay perfectly
still and listen to the sound
of what is.